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Why?! why am i feeling like this?

am i just putting on a mask that says "i'm happy" but deep inside i'm actually not?

i really hate this feeling now... my whole spirit is low... i dunno why... never felt this before.. heard of people having this feeling before... but i never expect myself to feel this way.. cannot describe but it's just negative... sad and sad...

i've been thinking a lot... so so much... i dun even expect myself to think so much... to the extent where even the impossible of the impossible, i am thinking now... WHY!?!?

i'm very moody... filled with disappointment... couldnt be happy... even as i flip through all my hard copies of pictures with my beloved children, i couldnt feel anything... arrggghhh..!!!

why?!

is it because now it's the ghost festival and all the spirits are disturbing?

i went to see E-an just now... thought that he could just change things around... or even make me a little happier... i was wrong... i reached there... the father wasnt there at first... sat at a corner... just looking at the little small lad... the father just came and from afar, we waved at each other... but then, he sat at the other end... well, anyway i wasnt concern if he comes over to talk or not... since i have no mood to talk or whatsoever... then, i started to think a lot... hai... i decided i couldnt stay there for long... some more there's this disturbing "ge tai" performing nearby, like some ghost festival performance or what... i didnt wave to him, i didnt wait till the class ended, i didnt tell the father i'm leaving... that's not the usual me... WHY?! so disappointed with myself...

today had attachment... and i was assessed by my mentor... i really had no motivation, no energy, no mood to conduct the lesson... i just rush through, i just whack... and i just end like this... i knew it was not good... i knew it could have been better... well, i wasnt expecting much already... i am freaking bad mood...
in the afternoon class, i was already so tired and sleepy to the max... i took the other half of the class... guess what? temper rose! shouts were uncontrollable... i lost my temper and i was just not in the mood... sorry children... but.............. haiz... i snatched the paper from a child who cut it wrongly, i yelled at one who didnt follow instructions, i slammed the table when one was laughing at his friends, i criticized one for acting smart... whatever...

joachim just called... at about 1045pm... i was like, "hellooo... ya... ya... ya... mmm.... k..."

where is the Joey i used to know? who used to laugh his head off? who used to be so competitive? who used to be so patient with children? who used to be so close to God?

God bless me...
and you,
who's reading
who's praying for me
who's concern
who's reading but thinks i'm crazy
who dont even bother to read
who i dont know
who havent read

and you devil... flee away from me, in Christ name i COMMAND!!! AWAY AWAY..!! GO AWAY!!! ****ING IDIOTS!!!

NO!!! I DONT WANT ANYTHING!!! I JUST NEED YOU, JESUS!!! COME COME COME!!! HEAR MY CRIES!!! HEAL MY PAIN!!! PLEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

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